A Converted Jew (14)

The Passover

When the Passover drew nigh, fresh troubles came, as the eating of leaven was strictly prohibited. This portion distressed me much: “For whosoever eateth leavened bread, from the first day until the seventh day, that soul shall be cut off from Israel.” These words were like a worm gnawing at me, giving me little rest day or night. I kept it all to myself, although there were other of my Jewish brethren there with me. These, with other troubles, pressed heavily upon me so that I began to feel the effects on my health. Now was the time for Satan to tempt me: First, I was not established in the letter of the truth; secondly, I was distressed in mind; thirdly, I was in darkness, and wavering. These things added force to Satan’s temptation. He suggested that I was wrong in coming to this place and was altogether deluded. Rebellion, murmuring and discontent rose like high mountains, and at times I thought I should be crushed beneath them. Indeed, had it not been for a secret support by an Almighty arm, I should have sunk. From this distress, the dear Lord condescended to cast His eye of pity on me, and delivered me by applying a portion of His Word with greater power than ever before: “Therefore, behold, the days come, saith the LORD, that they shall no more say, The LORD liveth, which brought up the children of Israel out of the land of Egypt; but, The LORD liveth, which brought up and which led the seed of the house of Israel out of the north country, and from all countries whither I had driven them; and they shall dwell in their own land.” The dear Lord was pleased to open my eyes to see in these words a greater deliverance than that from Egypt; and this deliverance came by the Messiah, the Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore the Passover, which was a commemoration of the deliverance from Egypt, is done away. This was a comfortable time to my soul. Two or three days later, the Lord was pleased to bless me with a complete deliverance about the Passover, so that I was never tried again on this point; for “Christ our Passover is sacrificed for us: therefore let us keep the feast, not with old leaven, neither with the leaven of malice and wickedness; but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth” (1 Cor. 5:7-8). This blessed deliverance strengthened me for greater trouble yet to come. In this way the Lord has been pleased by degrees to deliver me from the Jewish ceremonies. I then began to hope that I should not be so troubled as I had been, although, at the same time, not one day passed without some greater or lesser trial.

Bondage and Liberty

I now began to build castles in the air. I would pray often, think more about God and the things of eternity, and read the Word of God more. But alas! My castles were soon dashed in pieces. One evening, as I sat reading, these words rang in my ears, “Cursed is every one that continueth not in all things which are written in the book of the law to do them.” Another passage soon followed, “For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all.” These portions came with such dread and terror that I could scarcely keep my seat. I was compelled to cease from reading and close the Book. Fear, bondage, and condemnation followed. I was afraid to pray lest it would prove to be presumptuous. When I thought upon God, it troubled me. I viewed Him sitting on His throne judging and condemning me. I viewed Him holy, terrible, and angry. The sins of my youth were brought to my remembrance; they stood as so many witnesses against me. I viewed God too holy to look upon me, myself too sinful to approach Him, my sins too great and heinous to be forgiven. Hardness of heart, hard thoughts of His dear and precious Name, and condemnation were stamped upon all my actions. Every page in the Word of God condemned me. The word, “Cursed is he,” followed me around so that I began to wish I had never been born. Yet I could not leave off praying, groaning, and sighing. I sometimes stole away from my companions to go to my room and cry to the Lord that if it were His sovereign will He would pardon my sins, for they were many and great. For three successive years I do not remember offering up a prayer without using these words: “If it be Thy sovereign will, and in accordance with Thy honor and glory, pardon me.” I could not then see how God could remain just and still pardon my sins. Conscience would rise up condemning me, saying, “Thou art the man, verily thou art guilty.” I was afraid to read, pray, hear the gospel preached, or to even speak, look, eat, or drink. I felt that I was cursed at home and abroad, awake or asleep.

My dear reader, it is impossible to pen words to express what were my feelings. The law was like a fire in my bones and thunder in my soul. My health began to decline with this weight of trials; I was too miserable to wish to live and the thought of dying made me more so. I felt enmity rising towards God and was persuaded that if I were to die in enmity, where He is I could not come. The dear Lord is faithful to His promise. He had told me, “The needy shall not alway be forgotten,” and here again He proved Himself faithful. In this siege, under this iron bondage and in this furnace of affliction, I was helped, “I was brought low, but the Lord helped me, for Christ is the end of the law for righteousness to every one that believeth.” This was not a final deliverance, but it refreshed, revived, and strengthened me in this bondage so that I was encouraged to hope in a dear Redeemer.

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