Family Visitation (6): Its Institution

It would be nice if we could give an easy, practical method of family visitation. The question arises both with office-bearers and the congregation, “Why isn’t there a final answer?” Well, each person varies. Circumstances also vary from day to day. We are not dealing with concrete and wood, but with living people; office-bearers are also flesh and blood, with changing emotions. Our life is not uniform. There are so many variances. Rules can change. In general, if there are rules, they cannot always be applied in all circumstances. If this would happen, family visitation would become mechanical. In other words, it cannot be programmed. Much must be taken into consideration. The surroundings, the upbringing, the profession, and circumstances — all have a great influence in our lives. The spiritual life of God’s people also varies from day to day. This is very obvious in Psalm 107.

By the billows heavenward tossed,
Down to dreadful depths again. — Psalter 295:2a

This also transpires in family life, with sickness and health, sorrow and joy, riches and poverty. All these changes have a great influence in our life. There is a not a person so stable that he is not susceptible to inward and outward fluctuations. We also encounter small families, large families, orphans, widows, widowers, mourners, and families with various anxieties. We meet optimists, pessimists, critics, gentle persons and difficult families. All these circumstances must be taken into consideration.

It is a great advantage if we know the family we are going to visit, how we should present ourselves, and how we can wisely address any situation that may arise. There can be much conversation while hearts remain closed. A well-known proverb is, “A good beginning is half the work.” This also applies to family visitation. In fact, the beginning lies in the office-bearer’s own home. We must consider the family about to be visited; we must premeditate about the family and the circumstances of those we visit. The initial act is for the office-bearer to bow his knees at home and ask the Lord for guidance and wisdom. Without Him we can do nothing. It may seem strange and superfluous to mention this, but this is not as strange as it may seem. We have plans for the whole day, from hour to hour, but in general there is no time set aside for prayer. Daniel bowed his knees three times a day in prayer at the open windows toward Jerusalem. We can be so busy, also in office-bearing, that we do not have time for prayer. This is also a commission for those who receive family visitation. If we have rules for family visitation, prayer should be the primary rule for both sides. Much would be gained if this practice were utilized. The Lord glorifies Himself in the way of answering prayer. The objective is not to have a superficial, cordial evening together, but that the Lord will give a blessed evening to all.

Another important factor is that office-bearers must be fully aware that they must direct the conversation. They may not go with the premise: We will see how it goes. There are people who are expert in directing a conversation in such a way that spiritual concerns are not even mentioned. The majority of the time is spent speaking frivolously, and if an attempt is made to speak about the sermon preached on Sunday, they say in a friendly way, “Would you like to have a cup of coffee?” Office-bearers have an obligation to inquire as to what the preaching accomplishes. Keep that in mind. If we leave a house without knowing this, we have missed our purpose. How can we find this out? By listening to what the members speak about.

Many office-bearers have a serious problem with steering the conversation. One time someone mentioned to me, “I have had family visitation.” I said, “That is good. How did it go?” The answer was: “It was very easy. We didn’t have to say a thing. The elders came in and spoke incessantly; we didn’t have to say anything.” They listened, but the elders didn’t. To listen is much more difficult than to speak, but yet a fundamental rule for family visitation is to listen attentively about the need, strife, and circumstances of another. Solomon was a wise king. He stated in Proverbs 18:13, “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.” It is foolish to give a quick and unthoughtful answer. To listen well is an art that is understood by the wise. Listening is important in all aspects of life, and we determine all circumstances by what we hear. If we do not listen to God, we will not listen to others. We must not minimize the importance of the Word.

We observe many people in our day with many struggles. The complexities of life produce tensions in families and also in young people. How shall we get through this life? Which avenue should we follow? And how can we find it? These concerns usually occupy more of our thoughts than a concern for our soul. Many people, especially young people, in their natural perplexities rarely if at all think about their soul’s destiny. It is not unusual that the church can lose contact with the congregation. Everyone has trouble on this earth, those with families and those that are single. Living under the administration of the Word also results in strife and can cause anxieties. Impressions of death, eternity, hell and condemnation, can cause tremendous burdens in the lives of young and old. The realization of sin and guilt can weigh upon us as a heavy burden. Questions about faith, hope, election, regeneration, and conversion, along with depression, fear, and despair, can monopolize our thoughts. Many contemplations also arise in family life in the upbringing of our children in this complicated and fast-changing world. Married life also has its tensions, frustrations, and difficulties. Many times advice will be sought from worldly counsellors, even though there is help in our own circles. We can dispute why this transpires. I think that distrust plays a large role in this and also that it is felt that there is little understanding about circumstances.

In order to be able to understand a problem, it is essential to be a good listener. It is necessary to delve further into this. Many people are reluctant to speak (I mean an intimate conversation), where we can relate our inward feelings. If we do not realize, acknowledge or accept this, we can use many words and still have a superficial conversation. We must ask ourselves: What must we do in order to have a real conversation of substance? What are our intentions and expectations? It is necessary for office-bearers and the congregation to analyze these questions. Family visitation is not just to speak with one another the whole evening. The purpose is to speak from heart to heart, so that our intimate concerns are revealed. This cannot be done without speaking. The great Creator created man with wisdom and ability to convey his feelings by speaking. This is a great gift of God. Our emotional feelings are expressed by speaking. The intonation of the voice also has meaning. Anger, love, fear, despondency, and many other aspects of our feelings are revealed by the manner in which we speak.

If we do not pay attention to these important factors, we bypass each other when we converse and err in our own conclusions. We cannot use the same format for each individual or family. We do not know beforehand what will be forthcoming. We steadfastly maintain that the Word is the revealed means whereby we communicate with others. It is by this means that the conversation is established. Then we feel a bond, and this is our goal. If there is a genuine conversation, personal barriers of solitude are broken down. Every person desires contact. Young people also have a desire to unburden themselves, and speak in confidence about the many questions that beset them.

Rev. H. Hofman is pastor of the Netherlands Reformed congregation of Chilliwack, British Columbia.

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