Engagement (5)

Love or Passion?

Now we must write about one more matter, because Scripture speaks about it, namely, love and passion. We are thinking of the story of Amnon. He loved his half-sister Tamar. This was a fiery and burning love, but after a short time that love was cooled, and turned into hatred, so much so that the hatred wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved her.

This love proved to be no love. Love does not seek itself first of all. There is a great difference between love and passion. Many have been mistaken in this matter to their great grief. The latter is only a longing which passes as soon as that longing is satisfied.

It is undeniable that in the love between husband and wife there is also an element of this passion.

The love between a boy and a girl is different from the love between parents and children. In the latter there is nothing of erotic affection, but in the first there is. Although in a good marriage erotism cannot be lacking, it may never have the highest place.

The love of Amnon was nothing but erotic love, and such a love which we can better call passion, as an expression of sensual lust can never be a good foundation for a Christian marriage. We do well to examine ourselves carefully in this matter. But since men often deceive themselves, especially in this, it is wise to listen to good counsel.

Parental Consent

The government has made statutory regulations, by which certain marriages are forbidden. Near blood-relationship precludes marriage possibilities. From the earliest times the church has concerned itself also with these marriages.

In this the church follows the state. Therefore the church does not perform a marriage that the state does not first permit.

Especially with second marriages of people whose first marriage was dissolved by divorce, the church must make sure that the Word of God permits this second marriage. Happily, in our circles engagements or marriages that are hindered by legal or church regulations are only sporadic.

For us the cooperation of the parents in bringing about the engagement and the marriage is far more important. The form for the confirmation of marriage also speaks of this, for it says “with knowledge and consent of parents or guardians and friends.” This then must also be very important for us.

The task of the parents concerning the engagement and marriage is very important. Or do you think this is a matter in which you can act without their knowledge? Shall we merely expect the approval of our parents in our marriage, and are our parents obliged to give their approval when we ask for it?

Have not our parents in self-sacrificing love sought our welfare and salvation, even from our early days? Do they not know us and our concerns as no one else does? Certainly, and therefore it is unbecoming for children to think and say that this is a matter they can regulate without their parents. As soon as possible we should speak to our parents and listen to their counsel in such matters as these with seriousness and subjection.

Of course, in giving counsel the parents must be led only by the interests of the children. No jealousy, injured pride, disappointed expectation, or egotistical love of self may influence our counsel. It may certainly happen that the parents had hoped or wished for another alliance, but that must have no influence upon their counsel. The interest of the child must be their sole concern. Wisdom and love, patience and meekness, persuasion and tact are necessary to keep their children from paths that seem destructive.

The commandment of the Lord that says, “Honor thy father and mother; that it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth,” is also applicable here. How many marriages that were contracted against the good and well-meant advice of the parents have proved that it would have been better if they had never been contracted. It is better to heed the advice of parents early, than to bemoan later that you have rejected their well-meant counsel.

Of course that counsel must be well-founded. There must be good reasons why the parents refuse to give their permission. If it should become evident that parental consent was refused upon grounds contrary to the Word of God, the marriage can still be confirmed ecclesiastically.

It is better to heed the advice of parents early, than to bemoan later that you have rejected their well-meant counsel.

Rev. A Vergunst (1936–1981) served the Netherlands Reformed Congregations of Corsica, South Dakota and Kalamazoo, Michigan, in addition to three congregations in the Netherlands.

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