Engagement (4): The Necessity of Oneness in Church Affiliation

In preceding articles, we have counseled strongly against mixed marriages. But now we live in a time in which the church of God is rent. We cannot and may not say that the true doctrine is preached in only one denomination. In various denominations there are ministers who rightly divide the word of truth, although there may be a difference in emphasis.

From the nature of the case it can happen, and often does happen, that two people who feel alike about the essence of eternal matters are drawn to each other. When there is no difference of opinion about the important, yes, the most important matters, a difference in church denomination need not be a hindrance to a good marriage. Nevertheless it is necessary to realize beforehand that the oneness which must be established in marriage does not allow us to go to separate churches. However closely two people are related to each other in spiritual matters, continuing to go to separate churches has often given cause to many sad circumstances. Therefore, for the sake of unity in the family, a decision must be made which will bring them to oneness in the church affiliation. These matters must never be left to take their own course. Let us never postpone those things till later. For when that “later” comes, it can cause so much conflict and disagreement that the harmony of matrimony is seriously impaired. Before becoming engaged these things must be calmly discussed, and together we must solve the problems.

When the form indicates the first cause why God has instituted marriage, it speaks of faithfully assisting each other in the things that belong not only to eternal life, but also assisting each other in the things that belong to temporal life. That is also very important, for in matrimony two people are brought together and shall live together from day to day. Naturally they also want to speak about the things that occupy them every day. Therefore it is advisable that the two who are marrying do not differ too much in position, nor in education. If the one partner is much less educated than the other, it is to be desired that every attempt is made to lift up the one to the level of the other, so that the difference does not bring about undesired tensions in the marriage. Wide differences between man and wife are not desired, for which reason Justus Vermeer in his explanation of the seventh commandment advises people: “to marry one of the same age group, and of the same stratum of society. Nevertheless, we must say that notwithstanding a wide difference in these matters, a marriage can be blessed and happy. The indispensable requirement is mutual affection, sincere love, which is a strong cement that binds to one another, helps to bear things, and to lead gently. Husband and wife must meet each other here, and the oath they once swore to be faithful to each other must give support.”

Besides all we have written, we must not forget that a marriage may not be merely based on rational considerations which would make it desirable. Such marriages which they used to call “mariages de raison” were often made in earlier days, and in certain circles they still occur. Then they do not ask whether there is any mutual affection but for various reasons such a marriage is considered expedient, and is carried out. Such marriages must be condemned. If God’s guidance is revealed in any matter regarding marriage, it is in this— that He stirs up love, and causes two persons to long for and desire each other. That love is a fruit of God’s common grace. It is a wonderful gift of the Lord. Who can really explain love? Who can really say why a man desires a certain woman, and none other? Or why a woman desires that one man for a husband, to go through life with him? Not much can be written about this, for it is a matter that can better be experienced than discussed intellectually. Does not the writer of Proverbs also say this when he cries out that among the three things that are too wonderful for him, yes, four that he knows not, that this is included: “the way of a man with a maid” ? Annotations on this text say: “The wonder is both the exceptional combination of his heart with the maid, and also the wonderful means he uses to enjoy her.” Well then, if Solomon says that this love is wonderful, and that he cannot explain it, we would do well not even to attempt it.

The indispensable requirement is mutual affection, sincere love, which is a strong cement that binds to one another.

Rev. A. Vergunst (1936-1981) served the Netherlands Reformed Congregations of Corsica, South Dakota and Kalamazoo, Michigan, in addition to three congregations in the Netherlands.

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