Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage

Several questions have been received requesting clarity on our denomination’s position with regard to Biblical divorce and remarriage.

In response to these questions we deemed it wisest to simply reprint without comments our denominational statement on this subject. This report read as follows:

The Institution of Marriage

Marriage is an institution of God and is His creation ordinance. It is the foundation of human relationships, and the will of God ordered in His creation. The essence of marriage is and remains un-changeable, as long as human history continues in God’s providence. It remains inviolable as God’s ordinance. He Himself gave His laws for marriage and commanded to live in accordance there-with. God’s Word teaches us also of the structure of marriage, i.e., the bodily and spiritual union of one man and one woman. In this union revealed by marriage, the man is the head of the woman, and she is given him as a helpmeet. Both have their own and different natures and as such they are united by the Lord as one flesh. It is their calling to live to-gether in a spiritual relationship with God, their Creator, and to serve Him as prophet, priest and king to His honor, but also to help and support each other in all things in true love. This also means that marriage in its true nature can not be broken. The Lord Jesus emphasizes this very clearly in Matthew 19 as being founded in the creation, and whereas it is God Himself who united two humans in matrimony, this also includes that man has no authority to break the bond (Matt. 19:6b). This part of the Word of God deals with the old custom of Jewish men to divorce themselves of a virtuous wife by giving her a writ of divorce. Christ makes it clear that this is a custom contrary to God’s institution. The thought was that by giving a virtuous wife this writ of divorce, she had regained her full freedom so that the marriage was broken and she could enter into a new marriage. The Lord, however, denied that such a letter of divorce could break the marriage. The Lord in particular condemned the men, who in such a manner, rid themselves of a blameless wife (Calvin). This deed was by no means excusable before God. Without the act of adultery by either party, this marriage was not considered to be terminated. Both the man who married another woman and he who married the deserted woman, committed adultery. The deserted woman was only free when the man who had deserted her, married another, or had died. It was then permissible for the deserted woman to marry another man without committing adultery. It is also clear that union in marriage can only exist between two persons of different sexes with the exclusion of all others. Two people are destined by God to form together this deepest possible bond of unity called marriage. This marriage bond is characterized by its monogamous and indissoluble nature.

Fruitfulness in marriage is a blessing of the Lord, which He reveals and makes a reality by His command, “Be fruitful and multiply.” Only in the way of obedient fulfillment of this command the Lord’s blessing may be expected and received. The Lord grants this blessing only according to His own good pleasure, so that even a childless marriage can be called a blessing. These words of God contain the commission as well as the blessing and it is forbidden for man to add or take away from them.

Based on God’s Word, the marriage form also states the purpose of marriage:

1) That each faithfully assist the other, in all things that belong to this life, and a better.

2) That they bring up their children in the true knowledge and fear of God, to His glory and their salvation.

3) That each of them, avoiding all un-cleanness and evil lusts, may live with a good and quiet conscience.

Ceremony of Marriage

After the fall in Paradise, the command to serve the Lord together in love and faithfulness remained. The commencement of this command can only take place after an official lawful marriage ceremony as normally is performed in every civilized society. In the New Testament nothing is mentioned about the way marriages were initiated. During the Apostolic and post-Apostolic time, marriages of Christians were closed in accordance with the rules and customs of the Roman Empire. The Christian church did not make new rules for the marriage ceremony, but acknowledged the existing, legal order of their homeland. The church did however, enforce Christian marriage with some actions intended for supervision and discipline upon this lifelong union.

The Reformation also judged that marriage as a creation ordinance belongs to the jurisdiction of civilian government, over which the government as God’s servant is to maintain the proper order. The church has the task of advising government in this matter and prays for a blessing upon the marriage thus confirmed. Voetius wrote that the declaration of validity for marriage belongs to the political order of the government and it is the task of the church to offer prayer for these government-confirmed marriages.

But there is more to church confirmation than prayer alone. The church also has the shepherdly duty to oversee marriage confirmation. In her confirmation, the church states that this marriage confirmed by the civil authority is also a Christian marriage. In some cases the church may have occasion to warn against a marriage or even may refuse all cooperation. The consistory cannot prevent a marriage which is confirmed by civil authority but can deny church confirmation to show its disapproval. The consistory is in duty bound to see that members of the church enter into marriage with due consideration of the law of God. If this is not the case, the Church must warn and admonish and if necessary, deny a church marriage. In extreme cases the church is obliged to exercise censure. Without trespassing of the public marriage law, there can be a trespassing of the moral order which God’s Word has established for marriage. In regards to this moral order, the seventh commandment should be particularly mentioned. All pre-marital sexual relations amount to a violation upon the holiness of matrimony and are a transgression of the holy law of God. It also causes a serious infraction upon the authority of the parents whereby the freedom of the parents to liberally cooperate is seriously hampered. The church must see that whenever the commission of this sin is known, no church confirmation takes place before a confession of guilt has been made. This confession of guilt is especially required from couples that have lived together illegally (so called free marriage) even if during this arrangement no children are born or expected. The committee feels it is the duty of the church to seriously warn against this evil as being absolutely contrary to the Word of God....

Instead of the old divorce grounds, the law now acknowledges only one, i.e., permanent disjointment. Reasons for this can be cited by one or both of the spouses as adultery, malevolent desertion, homosexual relations, or sexual incompatibility. In reality this means that a consistory does not have a single point of proof to hold on to in order to form a judgment or opinion regarding the ques-tion for the cause of divorce, or which party is the guilty one. The consistory is now more than ever before, compelled to commence its own investigation into these marters in order to reach a decision based upon church rights. All these changes cause the consistory additional difficulties and cares, but they also result in extremely difficult-to-make decisions because of the entanglements due to controversial statements made by the divorced spouses, before the consistory. It is therefore the task of the consistory to move very cautiously and not to make a decision which later on might have to be revoked. Here applied an old (church rights) saying on these marters, “It is better to move slowly than too fast.”

Divorce

Due to our fall we all have come under the power of sin. Sin is rebellion against God, an attacking upon His order of creation. The result of this is that the disjointing of sin has also attacked crea tion and married life. Married life fulfills God’s purpose when it is subjected to His will, but it degenerates into sin wherever the discipline of God’s Word is neglected. Therefore all sin in its essence bears an undisciplinary character. More specifically, the sin of uncleanness (indicated as lewdness) is meant here. Even sinful thoughts or desires place us guilty before God, but above all when these sinful inclinations turn into outward deeds. This sin has a disjointing and destructive influence which can cause lasting damage to a marriage.

This can reveal itself by estrangement and often results in alienation. The mutual bonds are no longer accepted. Natural love and its binding element is destroyed. From this alienation, tension arises. Eventually it leads to bitterness, and often it turns into hatred and rancor. Thus enters into the family circle the dissolution of that particular value where-with God has blessed the marriage union. The question arises, “What kind of pastoral guidance must be provided for church members which find themselves in this marriage situation?” Obedience to God’s Word and the command for for-giveness ought to be strongly emphasized. Where there is grace for lost sinners, mercy should be stressed. It always should be pointed out that marriage is a union according to God’s order and command which ought not to be broken by man. Divorce is incompatible with the essence of marriage. Divorce is to surrender to the power of sin. Holding fast to this viewpoint is not easy, but is according to the demand of God’s Word. Hereby we may know that all things are possible with God and that He will aid and protect married persons, even when they are least deserving of it.

Still there can be such a decay in the marriage relationship, that a further living together must be advised against. There are, according to the following, different cases possible.

A In Matthew 5:32 and 19:9 the Lord Jesus states very clearly that adultery is a lawful reason for divorce. The innocent party is permitted to enter into a second marriage with a church confirmation. The innocent party is allowed to divorce but it is not required. In Matthew 5:32 and Matthew 19:9 the word adultery (porneia) means extramarital sexual relations, which in effect amounts to a breaking of the vows and a pollution of the marriage bonds. For as much as the woman only is mentioned in these Bible verses, it clearly follows that the same standards are valid when it pertains to the man. This is valid for all extramarital sexual activities. With proof of these facts a consistory can accept a divorce as permissible for the innocent spouse. Permanent disjointment is only then a ground for divorce when there is also proof of extramarital sexual activities as mentioned above.

B. Regarding a divorce which takes place because of religious differences, the Apostle Paul speaks in 1 Corinthians 7:15: “But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace.” It must be made clear, that the spouse which joins and/or stays with the church may not file for a divorce request only on the basis of religious differences. However, when the other spouse wants the divorce, then the one that remains with the church is permitted to concede only after every possible action has been taken to prevent the divorce. When the other spouse still persists in obtaining the divorce, (referring to the margin of the “Staten Bible”) 1 Corinthians 7:15, tells us that when the faithful (church member) spouse is deserted only because of hatred against the faith, then he or she is no longer required to adhere to the marriage bonds and to remain unmarried. Further, in regards to this it must be noted that the Westminster Confession of 1647 and some well-known theologians of the 16th and 17th centuries were in agreement that religious reasons, as above stated, besides adultery, are acceptable grounds for divorce. It is, however, the duty of the church to try to the utmost to bring reconciliation about, and never to advise in favor of divorce for the sake of religion, but when the divorce is carried through, the church may not apply church disciplinary measures. Concerning the question if this divorced church member may enter into another marriage while the former spouse is yet living and not remarried, and without proof of adultery on his or her part, cannot be answered with certainty upon historical and scriptural grounds. Remarriage must therefore be left to the conscience of the party concerned, and on this ground a church confirmation can be allowed.

C. When the woman is mistreated by her husband, without adultery being involved, and when living together is made impossible and life-threaten ing by the actions and guilt of one of the spouses, the committee considers a temporary separation acceptable. It has become an emergency and there is no other solution to the problem available. It should be noted that reconciliation is still possible since the marriage is not broken. If no reconciliation takes place, then separation must be maintained, unless the guilty party begins to live in adultery, in which case the innocent party has the right to file suit for divorce, and is not subjected to additional involvement by the church. The church must watch care-fully that such a separation not terminate in divorce without further efforts for restoration.

D. In case of so called malevolent desertion where one of the spouses leaves the other, request for divorce is not permissible as long as this situation exists. It becomes an entirely different matter when the deserter gets him or herself involved in an evidently adulterous relationship.

E. Also when one of the spouses becomes bodily or mentally ill in such a way that humanly speaking recovery cannot be expected and a further living together as husband and wife has become impossible, request for divorce is not permitted. With the help of the Lord, one must and can bear this cross.

The Application of Church Discipline To An Impermissible Divorce

An impermissible divorce is a divorce not founded on the Word of God. Al-ready it has been noted that a divorce which is decreed by a judge in a court of law can be a divorce contrary to God’s Word and thus unacceptable by the church. Whosoever uses the civil law to obtain a divorce on other grounds than those stated in God’s Word remains guilty of adultery. As pertaining to the church, the party or parties involved in this type of divorce ought to be brought to con-victions and admission of guilt. Upon the church rests the task to call their members, which have freely bound themselves to the church, and have promised to submit themselves to the admonitions and discipline of the church in case of misdeeds in doctrine or life to deal with them in accordance with the church censure. Upon the question how long and in what manner this censure should remain enforced, it is always necessary to bear in mind that censure is applied mainly to heal and invite the sinner to return from his or her sinful way. Censure calls for sincere repentance and sense of guilt and a penitential return to the Lord and His ordinances. In what manner church censure must function in any given case, must be determined by the nature of the case on hand. In practice however, it is not always possible to undo the former evil, even in the presence of much sincere penitence. When-ever it appears to be impossible to advise return to the former spouse, maintaining church discipline no longer makes good sense. Then after a sufficient length of time during which the sincerity of penitence can be tested, church censure can be terminated.

In general, only public confession of guilt needs to be required. After this has taken place the person(s) which were under church censure can be restored as full members.

Pertaining to a person who for the first time desires to be admitted to the church, and of whom it is known that this person has made him or her guilty of adultery or fornication in the past, they should be dealt with in the same manner as was mentioned above. It should be under-stood that this confession of guilt ought to be done before the consistory.

Marriage Confirmation of Divorced Persons

The condition for a marriage confirmation by the church is that the marriage must be in the Lord (2 Corinthians 6:14, 15). These words mean that there must be a basis for a Christian marriage environment and for the raising of children in accordance with the Holy Scriptures and the Confession of Faith.

The foregoing also stands for a second marriage. Only when a marriage is dissolved according to the teachings of Holy Scripture, a second marriage can be confirmed by the church. However, when the civil authority dissolves a marriage on grounds not allowed by the Word of God and permits a second marriage, the church must condemn this marriage as a sinful deed and cannot in any way cooperate in the confirmation of such a marriage, as long as the (deserted) spouse is not remarried and evidence of adultery is lacking.

In order to clarify these matters the General Synod has decided that those that desire a second marriage to be confirmed by the church, must themselves supply scriptural proof of the permissi-bleness of that marriage, and that the previous marriage must have been dissolved on scriptural grounds. If these evidences are found to be unacceptable on Biblical grounds and the marriage ceremony is nevertheless performed by a civil authority, confirmation by the church may not take place and the church must deal with this person in the way of church discipline or church rights. If there follows a sincere admission of guilt and repentance, church discipline will no longer be pursued.

One ought to make a distinction between the actual deed of sin, and the results thereof, for the latter is unavoidable. Also in a case like this, discipline is no punishment or ransom for the injustice committed and never should be.

The practical application to the church life of our day is as follows: Whenever a person is entirely free to marry and he marries a person who by church stan-dards is impermissibly divorced, then the free person commits a sinful deed even when the civil authority allows a new marriage. The church is not allowed to cooperate in any way or manner with such a marriage but must condemn this as a sinful deed before God and the person involved has to be dealt with in accordance with the church disciplinary rights. However, when a free person marries someone who is permissibly divorced but whose former spouse is remarried or deceased, this cannot be judged to be wrong or sinful, since the party who is permissibly divorced is no longer bound to his or her former spouse.

Final Remarks

Amended laws pertaining to the subject of divorce, make it much easier for married people to obtain a divorce. A great danger exists, that this is a cause also in our congregations to think much broader and easier about divorce. There-fore the consistory shall pay particular attention to the flock regarding this matter. In the preaching, catechism classes, and on house visitation it can be very necessary and useful to warn young people not to become involved in a relationship where the seed of trouble already exists, even before marriage is considered. In correspondence with the admonition of the Apostle Paul a marriage with a partner which is outside the faith must always be discouraged. In the first place, it can cause serious spiritual damage. It often leads to great difficulties in the family. Also particularly at the time of Baptism, when the promises are made and obligations accepted to raise and educate the children in the true Christian doctrine as taught by the church. It is also appropriate for the consistory to warn with love against marriages which are obviously contemplated for reasons such as riches, honor, pity for infirmed persons, help to emigrate from countries which can only be left through a civilly lawful marriage. It should always be emphasized that a proper marriage bond is commenced out of true love toward each other in obedience to God’s Word and will reveal itself by lasting fidelity.

The increasing secularization whereby the church boundaries are becoming more and more vague, causes a severe threat to marriage as God’s ordinance. Entering into a marriage between partners of different church affiliations often causes tensions and hardships. With this in mind our young people’s attention should always be focused upon the necessity of looking for a life partner in those circles where there is reverence for God and His Word and the doctrinal teachings which are after godliness.

God’s Word teaches us that because of adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lusts, etc. His wrath comes over the children of disobedience (Col. 3:5–7).

Let us as congregations be constant in prayer and watchful that we may not fall into the temptations which in so many ways threaten our Christian marriages and families, and let us never neglect to remember our young people.

A truly sound marriage requires mutual acceptance. No one can be forced to love, and when love is not the bond that binds the hearts together, a good marriage cannot be expected but it may turn into a life of sin and misery. The church may not in any way encourage or become involved in forced marriages. We read in the church’s form for marriage, that marriage is confirmed after God’s command and in accordance with the Christian order and the knowledge and wish of parents or guardians and friends. It can also happen that parents, without any lawful reason, attempt to prevent a marriage.

As for the church’s dealing with marital problems and with all other sins which take place in a congregation, it is strictly commanded to adhere to Matthew 18. Marital troubles must be kept as confidential as possible. When these troubles become known to one or more consistory members, these brothers should first deal with it in private. Only after these attempts turn out to be fruitless or these troubles have come out into the open, it is the duty of the whole consistory to handle the case. It is recommended that the visiting brothers, even when the whole consistory is not aware of the matter, keep records of the visits including dates and the main points discussed.

In 1977, Rev. K. De Gier and Rev. j. Van Haaren headed a committee of six church leaders in our denomination in the Netherlands to formulate an authoritative statement on the question of “marriage, divorce and remarriage.” Their Biblical and Reformed study was later printed in “De Saambinder” in January 1978, and then was translated and studied in our North American congregations in the early ‘80s. In 1984, this report was accepted unanimously by our NRC Synod of North America.

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